Debunking the Myth of the Perfectly Regulated Nervous System
In the current landscape of social media and wellness culture, nervous system regulation has become a buzzword—a gold standard we are all told we should be striving for. But with its rise in popularity, the true meaning of regulation has been stripped of its depth and replaced with a misleading, almost clinical guise of calm. The image often planted in our heads is that the regulated person is a quiet, non-reactive person. Someone peaceful, still, and unshakable at all times. We are sold the idea that the goal of healing is to reach a state where we no longer have a messy reaction to anything.
As a clinical therapist, I want to be very clear that it is not only an impossible goal, but it is a biologically incorrect one.
There is nothing in nature that is stable and the same at all times. Nature is a constant cycle of blooming and dying, growing and expanding. It requires rupture and repair. Our nervous systems are no different. They were never intended to stay in a fixed state of zen. Your nervous system was designed by evolution to move. It is meant to get angry. It is meant to get escalated. It is meant to hide, to run, to fight, and to protect. To try to force ourselves into a permanent state of calm is to try to strip ourselves of the very biological tools that have kept us alive.
When we talk about regulation, we aren’t talking about being unresponsive to life; we are talking about flexibility.
Homeostasis and calm are wonderful places to return to, but they are not the only places we are meant to live. It is absolutely appropriate and rational to get anxious, defensive, or upset when we are met with experiences that hurt or scare us. The goal of regulation is not to prevent the reaction. It’s to ensure that when we do respond, we don’t get stuck there.
True concern arises when our nervous system loses its elasticity. This happens on two opposite ends of the spectrum. On one side, we may get stuck in a hypervigilant, always-on, anxious spiral, where we are unable to bring ourselves back down to baseline. On the other side, we may fall into a dorsal shutdown, where we stifle our emotions, lock down our system, and exist in a dissociated or off state. When we remain in these extreme poles for far too long, that is when we lose our sense of self.
Regulating your nervous system is about increasing your capacity. It is the ability to touch the ceiling of your anxiety without staying there. It is the ability to go down into your depths and know how to swim back up. A regulated nervous system is not a fixed system. It’s an evolving, moving, and adapting one. It expands and contracts just like the tide.
We are meant to experience all the colors of the feelings, every shade of the rainbow. Healing doesn’t mean you stop having feelings; it means you develop the skills and the adaptations to bring yourself back to center after the storm. It means you can go sideways, you can spin out, and you can feel the full weight of your humanity, but you know at the end of the day that you have the capacity to get yourself back to the true you.
Regulation is not about being a statue of peace. It is about knowing that whatever comes your way, you will not lose the core of who you are in the process. It is about the freedom to be fully, beautifully, and reactively alive.
Are you tired of feeling like you’re failing at being calm? True regulation is about building the strength to handle life’s highs and lows with confidence. If you’re ready to move away from rigid expectations and toward a flexible, resilient life, I’m here to help you find your way back to center.
Click here to book a discovery call, and let’s expand your capacity together